How to Keep From Converting to Catholicism in Five Easy Steps

Dear Discerning Reader,

I have complied a few helpful tips and tricks that I call, “A Guide for Protestants on How to Keep From Converting to Catholicism in Five Easy Steps by Someone Who Would Know: Rachel, a Former Reformed Baptist.” Also known more succinctly as, “How to Keep From Converting to Catholicism in Five Easy Steps.” I hope you find them helpful.

1.       Do not get too curious about Mary or her many titles: Mother of God, Ever-Virgin, the New Eve, the Ark of the Covenant, The Queen of Heaven, etc., etc. I used to be in your shoes, Dear Reader, ready to die a glorious death on this particular “Marian hill of apparitions,” if you will. The only thing you need to do is repeat this mantra anytime you come across an idolater: “Mary was just an ordinary sinful person.” Promptly walk away before the idolater has an opportunity to pull out the Old and New Testament proof texts for their obviously false belief system about Mary. A straw man is much easier to defeat than the real deal, so keep it straw. I would recommend that you also avoid praying a rosary. Mary tends to show up when you do. She’s not overly pushy, but she will take advantage of a loophole if you let her. What can I say? She’s a mom.

2.       Keep telling yourself that there is no way Jesus could be present in the Catholic Eucharist. Do you know that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that there must be more to church than listening to Pastor Designer Bluejeans preach a “Biblical” sermon? Yes, that feeling. Disregard it altogether. Keep calm and carry on! Don’t rock the boat! Stay the course and what not! If the Catholics are right, at this point you might as well throw in the towel and run to Jesus in your nearest Catholic Church, Old Boy. (Related to this point, you will have an easier time here if you completely spiritualize John 6:53-55. Trust me; it helps.)

3.       Be a tiny pope unto thyself, the master of thine own lonely ship. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible. Just keep arbitrating for yourself what is true and what isn’t (Sola Scriptura), and you’re nearly guaranteed to stay on this side of the Tiber. Blessed are the doctrinal geniuses! For they shall be right…in their own eyes. (I’m nailing these Bible verses tonight.)

4.       Speaking of the Bible, don’t bother to research where it came from. I can’t say too much here without playing into the hands of the Papists. Suffice it to say, they think they compiled the New Testament. I would definitely avoid reading Where We Got the Bible, Rt. Rev. Henry G. Graham. It supports the Catholic argument a little too well. Refer back to point number two about straw men.

5.       Finally, and most importantly, completely avoid church history before the 1500’s. Period. Cardinal John Henry Newman (do not look him up, by the way) famously said, “To be deep in history is to cease to be a Protestant.” Go ahead and flagellate yourself if you even begin to think about reading the early Church Fathers. (On second thought, perhaps you shouldn’t flagellate yourself.  That would be overly Catholic. Instead, drown yourself just a little bit---make Zwingli proud!) The Church Fathers will attempt to convert you from the comfort of their graves. How rude. They should have no say in the way you worship God today because they are just a bunch of dead guys. They are so old, several of them knew the apostles! I mean, really. What do they know?

There you are, Dear Reader. Five easy steps from someone who used to be in your shoes. Maybe you can avoid my fate. Maybe.

Until we meet in purgatory,

Rachel